Why constructive feedback can feel hard
This month I have been working with a group of leaders to develop their coaching skills, and this has included the art of giving constructive feedback.
I have also been trying to up my intake of healthy foods, which led to this thought:
Critical feedback is like raw kale. Knowing it is good for us, doesn’t mean it’s easy to digest :)
We all know that feedback conversations are crucial to grow our teams, and ourselves. So why can it feel hard to offer and receive feedback?
When we become line managers for the first time, (hopefully) we are trained on how to offer feedback to people in a way that will fuel their growth. We are taught the importance of pointing out what is going well, as well as what isn't.
We’re trained in the skills required, and offered some structures and frameworks to draw on.
But this is only part of the picture. It is also worth having a look at our own relationship with receiving feedback as we develop our ability to offer it.
The truth is that we all respond to criticism (and acknowledgement) differently based on our life experiences.
For example, we may have had experiences where we have felt shamed or threatened by someone in a position of power telling us what we had done wrong—in our homes growing up, at school by our teachers or by colleagues we worked with in the past.
We can develop beliefs about critical feedback based on these experiences, that invisibly affect how we offer it to others, and how we receive it.
For example, if you find it difficult to receive ‘negative’ feedback, it might be that you subconsciously avoid offering it to your team, or you may be prone to sugar-coating or dancing around what really needs to be said.
On the other hand, if you thrive on receiving criticism, and see it as an opportunity to learn, and perhaps see affirmative feedback as unnecessary, you might lean towards being overly critical of your team, and not notice or acknowledge what they are doing well.
Getting curious about our own relationship with receiving feedback, can be a route to improving our ability to offer it to others.
It is also worth asking each member of our team, as well as our wider stakeholders, “how are you with receiving feedback?” Getting curious about works for them and what doesn’t. In this way we are better able to offer it to them in a way that helps them thrive and grow.
Email me at claire@clairemackinnon.com with your reflections, comments and questions, or join the conversation on LinkedIn.
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