One reason that meeting may have felt ‘off’

Growing up in the corporate world there was a particular approach I was encouraged to take as a means to deliver results, that I now believe is the reason many meetings and interactions felt ‘off.’

I was actively encouraged to have a hidden agenda.

By this I don’t mean anything sinister, or unscrupulous. But definitely hidden.

The standard approach modelled in most corporate cultures is to go into conversations with a desired outcome in our mind.

This has its place, but there are also liabilities to this approach. When there is an unspoken agenda, it can break trust. It creates an undercurrent that can be felt by both parties.

People can sense when they are being moved along a process, and manoeuvred towards a particular course of action.

It does not feel good. To them, and in most cases, to the person doing the manoeuvring.

It can have the person on the receiving end pull back, go through the motions and comply, rather than truly engage, contribute and cooperate.

And if we are, with all good intentions, ‘trying’ to move people towards an outcome, without being explicit about it, it is likely to feel icky to us too.

We may believe our discomfort is because we lack confidence. But this is often a convenient label that makes us ‘try harder.’

I suspect it is more likely our unease is because we don’t appreciate being unknowingly cajoled, so why would we enjoy doing it to someone else?

Some examples:

…You are hosting a kick-off workshop with a newly-formed project team and have extensive experience in leading this kind of change.

You have some great interactive, post-it based exercises planned to draw out their views, but you are also pretty clear in your own mind how this will pan out:

Your boss has made it clear how he expects the work-streams to be structured, and you know who you would like to lead each one and how success will be measured, and this is what you want to get to.

People go with the agreed outcomes of the session, but need a lot of cajoling to stay on track as the project gets underway.

…You are having a one-to-one conversation with a member of your team whose performance is in steady decline.

You go into the meeting with the feedback you will deliver all planned out, as well as what you want her to walk away doing differently.

She takes the feedback, and you see some immediate short-term improvements, but a couple of weeks later she is signed off work by her doctor.

…You go into a meeting with a potential client, excited and motivated to win the sale.

You are passionate about the service your company offers, and believe it is in their best interests to say yes.

You throw everything you have at helping them see that.

At the end of the meeting they say “thanks, I’ll think about it.” Despite numerous follow up voicemail messages, you never hear from them again.

Before any meeting, it is worth checking in with ourselves and asking ‘what is the agenda I am holding?’

If it is one dominated by a particular, unvoiced short-term outcome, it could be worth a reframe.

In the example of trying to ‘win the sale’, instead your agenda could become figuring out if what you have to offer, and where the client is, is a good fit for both of you.

In the example of the performance conversation, it might become about understanding what is really going on for that member of your team, so they are empowered to move forward.

In the example of the project meeting, it becomes about the team feeling genuinely inspired and having a true sense of ownership as they walk away.

The truth is that this way of operating can take longer than the other way.

You might need to go a little deeper and it’s likely you’ll need to listen more than you speak. You may have to manage the expectations of your own stakeholders and push back when it is demanded you get a fast result.

But in the end it is more likely to lead to better relationships and outcomes.

It’s also more likely you’ll look back and feel good about how you approached it.

Email me at claire@clairemackinnon.com with your reflections, comments and questions, or join the conversation on LinkedIn.

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