Are you confusing Servant Leadership with self-sacrifice?
I spent many years believing that the measure of a 'good person' is someone who invariably puts others first.
I often see this pattern in my clients. In their quest to be 'servant leaders' they are confusing being of service with self-sacrifice.
Putting everyone else’s needs before our own, may be needed in certain situations. But as a default way of operating over the long-term, it will inevitably lead to resentment.
You may be expert at hiding it, even from yourself, but when it creeps in people will feel it. One way this can play out, is we become masterful at keeping it perfectly concealed when it comes to our professional relationships, but it leaks out at home and affects our nearest and dearest.
Your needs are as valid as anyone else’s. Including the needs of your organisation, your boss, your team, your children, your partner and your friends. But the demands of our life and work can make that difficult to see.
If you know you have a tendency to self-sacrifice, a useful question to ask yourself as often as you can is "what do I need right now?"
When we are feeling depleted, it's likely we’ll resist asking ourselves this question. We may be afraid we can’t have all of the answer. We are protecting ourselves from disappointment.
But asking it nevertheless can point to some version of what we need. Choosing to give ourselves a tiny version of whatever it is, can start to disrupt the pattern of over-giving. It can make a significant difference to how we feel, and what we are able to offer to others both through our work and in our personal lives.
For example – when you feel overwhelmed, asking yourself “what do I need right now?” might highlight “I need to stop.”
How might you give yourself this, in small ways, in the context of your busy role?
...It might mean after you finish one meeting you give yourself a five-minute breather before you start the next. Even if it means you are late.
...It might mean that you tell someone you need more time to think about a decision, rather than giving an instant answer.
…It might mean cancelling a meeting tomorrow, to give yourself a little more thinking space for another meeting that is more important.
...When you walk through the front door after work, it might mean shutting yourself in your bedroom for 10 minutes alone, reading a book or listening to music, before you begin to ask your family how their day was.
When we start to build the habit of noticing our own needs, and choosing to make them more of a priority, we start to free up energy.
Although it can feel counterintuitive, everyone we come into contact benefits when we do this. It can also free up the inner resources needed to make the bigger changes in our careers and lives we feel called to make.
