It's time to break the rules

In 2019 I have become more aware than ever of how I am a stickler for "the rules." 

As a girl I was rewarded for being good, keeping quiet and staying in her place. I never got a detention at school and the thought of getting one mortified me. So of course, this is a pattern I run.

My intention for 2020 is to DARE more and more to live by MY rules. Rules that I consciously decide on, not ones driven by "what will people think?"

We make up rules for ourselves all the time. Some serve and are helpful. And some not so much.

Here’s one of mine I noticed recently:

I have made up a rule that because I am a coach, and coaching is all about my clients, it is not appropriate to share any of my story in any way. Ever.

I have taken something that is very useful and makes 100% sense, and made it into something that holds me back.

Let me explain…

It is very important when I am serving my clients as their coach that I am 100% present with them. Listening to them and focused on their experience. In my coaching training it was drummed into us that it is ALWAYS about your client. And this part is 100% right. This is what I want to keep. A coaching session is not the time for me to say ‘me too’ and give advice about how I would do it.

I had somehow taken that and ‘made up’ that it means that I shouldn’t share anything of myself in my social media content, my introductions when I am meeting new clients, even at the start of a session when my clients ask me how I am. I noticed I often felt uncomfortable as I answered and changed the subject very quickly. 

The truth is that talking about my own experiences feels vulnerable. It is far easier to post a generic photo on social media and give some well meaning advice. Talking about a real-life story from my experience and sharing my opinions about what leadership is and isn’t leaves me open to judgement and criticism. So, the ‘coaches don’t do that logic’ was extremely convenient. 

Our inner saboteurs can be sneaky. Those voices in our minds that sound so sensible. They sometimes hide the underlying fear with some very practical reason.  In this case - the don’t talk about yourself rule.

Once I saw past the logical whispers of my inner saboteurs, I realised this rule didn’t serve anyone. So I have threw it out and experimented with something different.

I started sharing more of what I believe and what I am learning through my own journey via LinkedIn and Facebook. People have written to me and thanked me. Told me that what I shared inspired them to take their own bold action.

Well, that blew that rule out of the water for me.

And the more I break it, the more I see that the world needs more of this. Real and open dialogue about what is really happening for us. Less pretending like we all have it figured out. When we sit in the shadows and struggle, it only feels harder. 

My whole paradigm on this has transformed.

And no – this doesn’t mean I’m going to start talking about myself in the middle of a coaching session. I am smart enough to discern when it is appropriate to bring in my story and when it isn’t.

The impact of me unpicking this rule is that I feel empowered to make a bigger difference, reach more people with my writing and it has led to me refreshing my website and reading the blog you are reading right now.

This equation sums it up:

Re-writing our rules on the inside + taking action to prove the new rule = change in external results (and internal feeling)

So here’s my invitation to you....

1) Notice what rules you are making up. In your life. In your work.  Write one down.

2) Be compassionate with yourself as you do this. Have a conversation with yourself about it as you would a good friend (rather than berating yourself). So something like…”Of course you made up that rule…you were trying to ….[fill in the blank]. There is always a reason that makes perfect, logical sense and it’s useful to recognise it. 

3) Ask yourself, what is it I’m avoiding by following this rule? The underlying thing you could be avoiding…e.g. in my example above it was the pain of people not liking what I had to share about myself. A fear of rejection.

4) Now to the fun part…What is possible if you drop this rule and re-write a bold new rule that excites you (and probably scares you a little). Really imagine the possibilities that would open up. Picture it. What will be happening? What will it feel like? 

5) What’s something you could do, today, to live that new rule? Take just one small step. And take another tomorrow.

I’d love to hear what comes up for you as you do this. Email me at claire@clairemackinnon.com with your questions, comments and reflections. I reply to every email and would love to hear from you.

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