Eight Secrets — CLAIRE MACKINNON

The Eight Secrets You Tell Almost No One:

Secret #1: You loathe the corporate culture you are part of. You see other people doing things to get on that you could never do. You don’t want to kiss ass. Tearing people down just isn’t in your nature. You see subtle and overt discrimination happening and big egos who should not be leading people, getting promoted. On top of that, the red tape you have to contend with feels like a complete waste of time and energy: Unnecessary hierarchy, silo working, soul-sucking meetings where the conversations that really need to happen just don’t materialise. The never ending email chains with twenty people copied in. You are sick of so much of it, and of pretending to be a willing participant. When you really stop and think about it, you feel embarrassed about playing along. And you cringe when you remember some of the things you’ve done in the past to get on in a culture you dislike more and more each year.

Secret #2: You feel unappreciated by your boss for how hard you work (and you would never dream of telling them).

You’re not sure your boss gets just how much you are putting in. If he did, he would be more grateful, surely? The pace never lets up. The hours you need to work to keep up with the demands of your role are getting longer and longer. You always rise to the challenge, but you are sacrificing a lot along the way. Time with your partner, your kids, and the tiny bit of time you used to spend doing things for yourself went out the window years ago. You are so dedicated to your work, and it just doesn’t feel like he sees that. It’s not that he never thanks you, he does. And you are getting decent performance ratings, but you feel as though what you’re putting in is just expected and you’re not sure you can give any more.

Secret #3: You have perfectionist tendencies. You need to do whatever you’re doing right, and constantly holding yourself to this standard is taking its toll. It might have even led to a breakdown for you, or close to it, in the past. When someone utters the words ‘can I give you some feedback’ (and you know it’s not going to be good), your stomach tightens. As they tell you what you could have done better, you nod along and thank them. But inside you feel sick because you feel like you’ve failed. After the meeting, what they’ve said goes round and round your mind and it’s hard to recover from. At times it’s felt so difficult, you’ve had to hide yourself away in the toilets at work to pull yourself together, so you could get through the rest of the day. When you get home, you can’t stop thinking about what you should have done differently, and beating yourself up for the fact that they had to give you the feedback in the first place. You’re there with your family. But not really. Your mind is somewhere else.

Secret #4: You constantly compare yourself to your peers. You look around and see everyone else breezing through. They seem so confident and on it. Expressing their opinions freely, building their reputation and having a real influence on the organisation. But you feel like you’ve tied your own hands behind your back. It’s in certain situations, usually where more senior people are involved, that you just seize up. Your colleagues are relaxed and having a laugh, and at the same time making great points. People are hanging on their every word, but you have a personality bypass. You are a passenger in the conversation. You are convinced you’re coming across as dull and uninspiring. Your inability to ‘be yourself’ when it counts is frustrating the hell out of you, and the more you ‘try’ to be yourself, the less authentic it feels.

Secret #5: You wonder if you’re good enough to be in this bigger role. You’ve already made it further in your career than you ever thought you would. Each time you’ve been promoted, you’ve had to pretend to be more capable that you are, and eventually you feel more comfortable. But it always feels like a rough ride to get there. Lately you’ve found yourself wondering if you should have put yourself in that position again. You have to paddle so hard underneath to carry on ‘gliding’ and you’re running out of steam. You’re tired of feeling like a fake. You wonder what people would think if they knew the truth about how you felt. You feel like a fraud.

Secret #6: You’re quiet in meetings because you over-edit your truth. You have thoughts and opinions you want to share, but find yourself holding back. You hesitate because you don’t want to get it wrong and for the people around you to disagree. In meetings you have brilliant insights to offer. But sometimes you barely say two words. And then of course, someone else voices what you have been thinking, and you kick yourself. When there is no choice to speak up - like when it’s your turn to present to senior stakeholders who are making decisions - it’s hard to think of anything else in the lead up. It takes so much out of you and afterwards you feel exhausted.

Secret #7: You’re terrified of conflict. You find yourself overthinking and constantly second-guessing what you can and can’t say when it comes to challenging other people. You mentally rehearse tricky conversations, but you’re so concerned with them going smoothly, not rubbing anyone up the wrong way (and not getting upset yourself), you avoid getting to the thing that really needs to be talked about.

Secret #8: You’d leave tomorrow if you could. You can’t imagine making it to retirement. You don’t want to still be working for ‘the man’ when you are in your sixties. If you came into some money today, you’d walk away from your job tomorrow.