Moving Beyond People Pleasing
To be seen and acknowledged is a very human need. Long ago, if we weren’t, our chances of survival were slim. It is hard-wired in. And in our lives and leadership this need can both serve and hinder us.
On the one hand, if we aren’t seen and heard by others, it is hard to make a difference to what we care about: our human need to be seen can spur us on to speak up, express an opinion, take action and affect the change we most care about. It can fuel our leadership.
But if we are fixed in our beliefs about what being seen, heard and acknowledged must look like in terms of other’s responses, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and struggle.
These beliefs can stealthily and subconsciously take us away from the most authentic expression of ourselves. In our efforts to be accepted or applauded, we revert to behaviours that start to dilute our message and mission. This is sometimes referred to as people pleasing.
Many of the systems we operate in only serve to exacerbate the latter: social media algorithms are designed to reward posts that grab attention, regardless of the content. Workplace cultures may seem to reward self-promotion over substance. Certain people and structures hold power over whether the good work we are doing is visible to those in the interview room, who determine whether we are ready to hold more responsibility.
I believe a first crucial step to moving through and past any internal tension, is to acknowledge the tension is there.
In this case, the tension between needing to be seen and what we believe others’ responses should be can feel very real. Only you will know what this looks like for you and how it manifests in your life.
I can certainly feel this tension in me. At times I feel disappointed by the responses I observe when I share my content on social media. This is exacerbated by comparisons I make to others I admire and the responses I perceive that they receive. If I don’t check myself, the kind of internal commentary that follows saps my energy and makes being the leader I want to be feel like a struggle. In my darkest moments I find myself thinking, what is the point. I turn in on myself and go silent.
When we allow ourselves to get caught up in these beliefs, it is harder for us to make our full contribution. If we believe the response from others needs to look a certain way, we are more likely to be disappointed.
My own version of these beliefs stem from my earliest days. At school I thrived on how I behaved being met with unwavering approval from my teachers, which led to approval at home. So the pattern of :
do something ‘good’ – get approval – be loved
embedded itself deep within my psyche.
Now there are no teachers marking my work. And I am a person who is committed to making her fullest contribution in a complex world. The pattern I learned as a girl will not serve me in this mission. And yet the paradox is that to break free from it, I must have compassion for why it is here.
I want to underline that because it is so important: When we develop compassion for why these patterns and beliefs are here, we start to empower ourselves to let them go.
In this particular example, if you recognise your own need for approval and how that might have formed, rather than berating yourself, journal about how it might have served you earlier in your life. Consider why your smart, resourceful younger-self adopted it in the first place. There is always a reason.
If you can have greater compassion for your own version of the pattern you notice, it will empower you to start moving beyond it. You will start to feel more free.
You will be more able to practice expressing more of what you truly want to in your life and leadership. Over time, you will feel less struggle and be more fully in service of what you most care about.
Email me at claire@clairemackinnon.com with your reflections, comments and questions, or join the conversation on LinkedIn.
You can sign up for my emails here: receive practical wisdom and priority access to interactive online workshops to help you on your leadership journey
Photo by Geran de Klerk on Unsplash
